Larry was on his way to class one day, thinking about how boring and ordinary his life was, when a rustling in the bushes caught his attention. A crazy scientist in goggles with 4 mechanical arms strapped to his back leaped out of the greenery, trees and shrubs splintering in all directions as he burst through.

“Dr. Octopus!” gasped Larry. He turned to run, but found himself facing a ninja in an iron helmet backed up by a group of ninja henchmen. “Shredder and the Foot Clan!” he gasped again. “Get him!” cried Shredder, and the Foot Soldiers surged forward.

Larry turned again only to find another group closing in on him — Cobra Commander and a squad of Vipers. “Don’t let him get away!” shrieked Cobra Commander. The henchmen fanned out and Larry was completely surrounded.

“There’s got to be some mistake!” cried Larry. “I’m just an ordinary college student!”

The Vipers and Foot Soldiers parted and a smug looking man in a suit emerged from between them at a leisurely stroll, smiling a predator’s grin. It was President Underwood from House of Cards. “Oh, I don’t think so, Larry,” he said in a deceptively charming Southern drawl. “I think you’re just the person we’ve been looking for.”

Then he turned and looked in a direction where nobody was standing and said, “There’s a certain look a man gets in his eyes when he realizes he’s about to die. It’s very subtle. Most people don’t recognize it.”

“Who are you talking to?” asked Larry, bewildered. Dr. Octopus, Cobra Commander, and Shredder looked at each other, but none of them seemed to have an answer.

“When you’ve seen it enough times, like I have,” President Underwood continued saying to empty space, “you can’t miss it. It strikes the eye. It sticks out. Like a black cat in a cotton gin. We used to have a saying back in Gaffney…”

Suddenly, Optimus Prime burst up out of the ground, shattering asphalt and spraying chunks of it everywhere. He transformed into truck mode and ran over a large number of Vipers and Foot Soldiers before anyone had time to react. As enemies scattered and attempted to regroup, Optimus opened his door and Harry Potter jumped out. He held out a hand to Larry.

“Come with me if you want to live!”

As Larry took a step toward Harry Potter, Dr. Octopus jumped in between them, a pair of mechanical arms reaching for Harry’s wand while the other pair closed in on Larry.

“Expelliarmus!” Harry shouted, pointing his wand at Dr. Octopus, whose mechanical arms fell off. As the mad doctor frantically tried to pick them all up, Harry Potter took Larry’s hand and pulled him away from the mess. “Gandalf sent me! Looks like we got here just in time.”

Dr. Octopus gave up on picking up his mechanical arms and lunged desperately at Larry, managing to grab his shirt.

“Expelliarmus!” said Harry again, zapping Dr. Octopus, and this time the doctor’s regular arms fell off as well. Dr. Octopus shrieked and forgot about Larry, trying to pick up his arms with his mouth.

“What’s going on?” asked Larry.

“There’s no time to explain,” said Optimus, transforming back into a robot. “We have to get you out of here.” He scooped up Larry in one hand and the boy wizard in the other. “The others will cover our escape.”

Larry turned to see Shaquille O’Neal and Shrek pop out of the hole in the ground. Shaq started laying down a rain of machine gun fire in all directions while Shrek drew a lightsaber and charged straight at Frank House of Cards.

Optimus Prime leapt over the ring of enemies surrounding them, which now included the Jurassic Park velociraptors and a contingent of Borg. He tossed Larry and Harry into his cab and transformed back into a truck, driving away from the fray much faster than the recommended 55mph speed limit for tractor trailers towing a load.

Soon they were pulling into Google headquarters.

“Is Google part of this?” asked Larry in surprise.

“Not really,” said Harry Potter, “they are just lending us space to meet. They didn’t want to get involved but we pointed out their company motto was `Don’t be evil’ and how can you not be evil when you can’t even set aside a conference room for the combined forces of good to plan their fight against evil?”

“How come you couldn’t just meet at somebody’s house?”

“We have to do a lot of teleconferencing,” said Harry Potter. “Many people on our side are on different planets or different dimensions. During our first meetings we spent most of our time trying to figure out why we couldn’t connect to Krypton.”

“Was it because it was destroyed?”

“Well, yes,” said Harry, “okay bad example, but with some of the other planets it turned out we had a bad connection or they had an old version of Skype.”

Soon, they arrived at their destination. It was more of a warehouse than a conference room, which made sense because it had to fit things like Transformers and Gundams and large mythical beasts like Falkor the Luckdragon from Neverending Story.

An old wizard in white robes, with a twinkle in his eye and a spring in his step that belied his great age, approached Larry, bowing slightly. “So pleased to meet you at last,” he said. “I am Gandalf the White.”

“This is such an honor,” said Larry.

“I apologize for the abrupt manner in which we brought you here,” said Gandalf. “But time is of the essence. Allow me to introduce you to the rest of our Council of Elders. You’ve met Optimus Prime, of course.”

Larry looked up at the Autobot, who nodded respectfully.

“And this is Dumbledore,” said Gandalf, pointing to another old wizard.

Dumbledore gave Larry a kindly nod.

“In no particular order, we also have Obi-wan Kenobi, Yoda, the hologram of Jor-El, Morpheus, Nick Fury, Mr. Miyagi, Professor Oak, Alfred from Batman, Professor X, Captain Picard, Mufasa, Aslan, the President from the West Wing, and Morgan Freeman as the narrator from March of the Penguins.”

“Wait,” said Larry, doing a double take at Morgan Freeman. “Why March of the Penguins narrator Morgan Freeman? Why not one of the times he was God, or Lucius Fox, or Red?”

“We felt he was most authoritative when talking about penguins,” said Gandalf. “You must trust our wisdom on these matters.”

“So why am I here?” asked Larry.

“You, Larry,” said Morpheus, “are the Chosen One. You are the key to our battle against the forces of evil.”

“But that’s impossible!” said Larry. “I’m such a screwup! I can’t be any kind of Chosen One. You must have the wrong guy!”

“We have reviewed the prophecies,” said Obi-wan, “and it is clear. You, Larry Sue, are the Chosen One of legend, and our last hope. You must lead us if we are to stand a chance in this final battle.”

“I’ve always known I was different,” said Larry. “I knew I had to be destined for more than majoring in economics and graduating to become some kind of drone working in a dumb office job.”

“Okay, good pivot!” said Nick Fury, clapping his hands together. “Now let’s talk business.”

“The reason we had to call on you so quickly,” said Gandalf, “is that the enemy is preparing to make a move in the next few hours. We think they mean to target the White House with an all out attack.”

“Why the White House?” asked Larry.

“Well,” said the President from the West Wing, “the White House is the seat of power for the American government, and the resting place of the original Constitution. If they destroy the Constitution, America’s social contract is rendered null and void and anarchy will ensue, leaving them free to carry out their plans on a disordered populace.”

“Is the Constitution really kept in the White House?” asked Larry.

“Son,” said President Martin Sheen, “which one of us was the President, you or me?”

“We’ve already lined up a formidable defense force to protect the White House,” said Gandalf. “It includes some of our most powerful members. Obi-wan, whom you have already met, will lead the defense. Joining him will be Boromir, Mufasa, Aerith from Final Fantasy 7, Dozer from The Matrix, Officer Alex Murphy, Quint from Jaws, Dumbledore, James and Lily Potter, Thomas and Martha Wayne, Elsa and Anna’s parents from Frozen, Bambi’s mom, Nemo’s mom and siblings, Inigo Montoya’s dad, the entire Stark family from Game of Thrones except the daughters, and the combined military forces of the planet Alderaan.”

“I can’t foresee this fight giving us any difficulty,” said Obi-wan, “but we’d like you to be there to get your feet wet, so to speak. I need to be on my way now, but you should be able to catch up before the battle is over.” He nodded goodbye to Larry and hopped into a pod racer, zipping off after the pod racers piloted by Mufasa and Dumbledore.

“Why can’t I go now?” asked Larry.

“We must prepare you,” said Gandalf. “You will need a weapon and-”

“Lightsaber,” said Larry.

“Of course,” said Gandalf. He waved his staff and produced a lightsaber. “I believe you are supposed to toil for years over one of these and find a special crystal and stuff like that, but nobody has to know.”

Larry turned on the lightsaber. It was blue. “Can it be orange?” he asked.

Gandalf waved his staff again, and the lightsaber turned orange.

“You also need to learn how to use your powers,” said Gandalf. “Mr. Miyagi was just about to do a training montage session with some of the other new recruits. You can join them. It should only take a few minutes.”

At the beginning of the montage, Larry was hopeless, falling down and tripping all over the other trainees, who shook their heads disapprovingly. But five minutes later, he had defeated the strongest and most Asian student, Jackie Chan, who shook his hand with respect and told him he could be his wingman anytime.

“All right!” said Larry, bursting out of the dojo and back into the primary meeting room. “I’m ready to join the battle!”

Everyone turned toward him silently, somber looks on their faces.

“What happened?” he asked.

“Over, the battle is,” said Yoda sadly.

“What, how?” asked Larry. “I was only in there for five minutes.”

“Montage time passes differently than time in the real world,” explained Morpheus. “It’s been five hours since you went into that room. To be honest, that was an unusually long montage.”

“Did we lose?” asked Larry.

Gandalf hesitated, and then spoke. “There were no survivors. Our entire force was massacred — every last one.”

Larry gasped. “Then how do we know what happened?”

Gandalf motioned toward a glowing blue ghost. “Obi-wan was able to return in ghost form and tell us.” Beside the blue ghost was a translucent cluster of clouds in the shape of a lion’s head.

“And I too,” said Mufasa.

“They were far too powerful for us,” said Obi-wan. “We underestimated their strength.”

“Dammit!” said President West Wing, slamming his hand on a desk. “How could anyone have seen this coming? These were some of our most powerful fighters. We had a Jedi master, along with Gondor’s greatest warrior, a caster of powerful healing magic, three top wizards, and an enormous military force from a highly-advanced planet.”

“We also sent a deer and a clownfish,” Nick Fury pointed out. “Whose idea was it to send a deer and clownfish?”

“Mistakes were made!” shouted President West Wing.

“Mistakes were made? You killed my parents!” yelled Harry Potter. “I finally got into an alternate universe where they hadn’t died and you killed them!”

“Oh boo hoo!” growled Batman, dropping from the rafters. “You think you’re the only one who lost his alternate dimension restored parents?”

As the warehouse descended into chaos, Larry felt a powerful voice thundering in his head. “ENOUGH!” The room went silent, and the telepathic voice continued. “All is not yet lost. We must work together to save what remains.”

“Listen, Professor,” said Nick Fury. “I got a lot of respect for you, but…”

“I’m not Professor X,” said Captain Picard, “he’s Professor X.” He pointed to the extremely similar looking man in the wheelchair, across from him.

“Oh, I’m so sorry, Captain,” said Fury. He turned to Professor X. “If they’ve got the Constitution, what can we do?”

The lion-shaped clouds cleared their throat. “They have breached the White House but they haven’t found the Constitution yet,” said Mufasa. “It is well-hidden. They may yet be stopped.”

“Then what are we waiting for?” asked Larry. “Who can get me over there the fastest?”

“I can.” President Bill Pullman from Independence Day stepped forward. “I’ve got a fighter jet ready to go. And I know the White House like the back of my hand. I can take you straight to the Constitution.”

“Who’s with us?” asked Larry. A whole host of volunteers raised their hands and their voices. He didn’t have time to identify all of them. He figured he could do it later, at the scene, after each of them introduced themselves by doing something heroic.

Larry hopped into the cockpit with President Bill Pullman and the warehouse door opened onto Google’s main runway. The President fired up the engines and hit the ignition, and the jet went screaming into the sky.

The plane landed on the White House lawn (it was a VTOL jet) and Larry and President Pullman jumped out. Almost immediately they were swarmed by villains.

Larry cut Cruella de Vil in half while President Pullman punched Frankenstein (the scientist, not the monster) across the lawn. A many-armed Sentinel robot from The Matrix dove out of the sky at them but Frankenstein (the monster, not the scientist) grabbed it out of the air and ripped it clean in half.

“Thanks, Frankenstein’s monster!” said Larry.

The monster winked and quoted some super esoteric battle-related Shakespeare quote that showed he was actually very smart and well-spoken.

Another Sentinel whizzed overhead but Serena Williams jumped high into the air with an assist from Frankenstein the monster, did a backflip, and chopped the Sentinel in half with her battleaxe.

More Sentinels kept coming. Larry looked around and saw a group of giant Sentinels from X-Men shooting Sentinels from the Matrix out of their hands.

“Sentinels launching Sentinels!” gasped President Pullman in disbelief.

“An EMP pulse!” said Larry. “That’ll take care of all of them.”

“You’re a genius, Larry!” said President Pullman. He grabbed the plane’s radio. “We need Ash and Pikachu here, yesterday!”

Moments later, Airwolf was hovering overhead. A rope dropped down and a square-jawed man with a chainsaw for an arm slid down. He pulled a Pokeball out of his pocket.

“Oh,” said President Pullman, somewhat taken aback. “I meant Ash Ketchum, but…”

“Relax, Mr. President, I got this,” said Ash confidently, pushing the President aside. “Pikachu, I choose you!”

“Pikaaaaaaa!” shouted the weird electric mouse thing as it popped out of the Pokeball in a flash of light and jumped into the air, squeezing itself into a tiny ball and then springing its limbs wide open, releasing a massive flare of electromagnetic waves in all directions.

Matrix Sentinels spun out of the air and crashed left and right while X-Men Sentinels stumbled, tottered, and fell, smashing important national monuments left and right.

“I told you I had it,” said Ash, nodding triumphantly over the wreckage.

“Pika pi!” said Pikachu, bouncing angrily.

“Oh yeah, I guess the mouse helped a little,” said Ash. “Good hustle, little guy.”

“Now’s our chance to get in!” said President Pullman. “I know a secret entrance.” He led Larry and the others over to a small aluminum shed leaning against the side of the White House. He opened the door to reveal an array of clearly unused gardening tools with the price tags still on them. He pulled a shovel off the rack and the floor opened to reveal a secret staircase.

But before Larry could take a step forward, President House of Cards emerged from the darkness, flanked by Voldemort and Tony Montana.

“Larry, Larry, Larry,” said President Cards. “I have to congratulate you for making it this far. Unfortunately, you’re too late.” He held up a yellowed document covered with eighteenth century calligraphy.

“The Constitution!” gasped Larry, making a lunge at President Cards, but stopped in mid-step.

Tony Montana had pulled out a grenade launcher and was aiming it at the Constitution. “Take another step and the Constitution gets it!” he shouted cocainely.

“Keep them busy, Voldemort,” said President Cards. “Tony, come with me. We have a plane to catch.”

Voldemort moved to follow President Cards, who stopped and turned around. “Voldemort, what on earth are you doing? I told you to stay here and keep them busy.”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” said Voldemort. “People avoid saying my name so much I’m not used to responding to it.” He turned back to the assembled heroes and hissed, waving his wand hypnotically at them like a winding boa constrictor. As President Cards and Tony Montana ran off with the Constitution, Larry bolted after them but was flung to a ground by a spell from Voldemort.

“Say hello to my little friend,” said Voldemort, twisting his wand sadistically in Larry’s direction. “Crucio!”

The spell shot upward, hitting a passing bird. Larry felt bad for a second but then saw that it was one of the birds from The Birds, on its way to attack someone.

The source of the misfire was that a teenage girl with a sharpened stake had jumped on to Voldemort’s back and was stabbing him repeatedly while dodging his best efforts to zap her.

“I’m… not a… vampire!” he growled as he twisted and thrashed in futility.

“I slay a lot of things!” said Buffy, slamming Voldemort to the ground. “I’m not a one-trick pony!”

“Hold still!” shouted Serena Williams, swinging her axe at Voldemort as he thrashed around on the lawn.

Larry turned back toward President Cards and Tony Montana, who were taking a rickety fire escape up to the roof of the White House. Larry did a triple backflip and landed on the first level of the fire escape, climbing the ladder rapidly after them.

“We got company!” said Tony.

President Cards looked down and growled. “Backup!” he said into his Apple Watch. “We need backup!”

As they raced up to the next landing, Tom Brady and Gone Girl jumped down from the roof and blocked Larry’s way.

“Blue 42! Alpha! Cake! Monkey!” called Tom Brady, pointing energetically at Larry. Gone Girl nodded.

Larry drew his lightsaber. He swung it at Gone Girl, but she vanished before his strike landed. While he looked around wildly for her, Tom Brady grabbed him from behind with an impossibly strong grip. Larry could barely breathe, let alone move his arms. His lightsaber fell from his hand.

Brady’s grip seemed to grow tighter with every second, squeezing the very air out of Larry’s lungs. Suddenly, Obi-wan Kenobi’s blue ghost appeared, accompanied by the ghost of Anakin Skywalker as a young man.

“Use the Force, Larry,” he said.

“Yeah, use it!” said Anakin.

Obi-wan turned to Anakin. “What are you doing here?”

“I’m helping.”

“You’re not helping.”

“I’m helping! I’m a helper!”

“You’re ruining everything!” said Obi-wan. “Let me take care of this. We’ll talk later.”

The ghost of Anakin begrudgingly vanished.

“Use the Force,” Obi-wan repeated to Larry.

Larry closed his eyes and concentrated. The lightsaber flew up and chopped Tom Brady’s head off before landing in Larry’s hand. Larry gasped for air.

Gone Girl appeared with a gasp of anguish. “He was on my fantasy team!” she cried, kneeling over Brady’s decapitated body.

Larry shrugged and started climbing back up the fire escape. As he reached the top, he saw President Cards and Tony Montana about to get into Starscream with the Constitution.

“Stop!” said Larry.

President Cards turned around with a smile. “Larry again. I have to say I admire your persistence. But didn’t your friends tell you only a President can wield the Constitution?”

“It’s true,” said Obi-wan, appearing again. “If a mere unelected mortal were to hold the original Constitution, it would burn him to ash.”

“So I’m afraid unless you have a President up your sleeve…” began President Cards.

“He does!” said a familiar voice. A giant eagle swooped out of the sky and President West Wing leapt off its back onto the roof. “I, President Josiah Bartlet, am not afraid to stand against the evil you represent and the vile actions with which you seek to defile the greatest office in the land. Americans everywhere are looking towards their leaders for hope, for a lifeline, for all that the Constitution promises every man, woman, and child who sets foot upon these shores. Your hands are unfit to even touch that document and all the ideals it represents. I must ask you, President Underwood, have you no sense of decency, sir? At long last, have you left no sense of decency?”

For what seemed like an eternity, the roof of the White House was still. Larry could almost see the ghosts of American patriots from ages past, looming over them like benevolent spirits.

Then a massive dragon landed and crushed everyone on the roof except Larry, who fell as the structure crumbled under his feet.

“Nooo!” he screamed, for the President, for the Constitution, and for the fact he was falling two stories.

Falkor swooped in and caught Larry, spiriting him back to where the main forces of good had retreated. They turned around to see a mindbogglingly enormous dragon perched on the crumbling ruins of the White House.

“I am Smaug,” spoke the dragon, his rumbling voice reverberating throughout the DC Metro area, “sponsored by Comcast and the Freedom Partners Chamber of Commerce, founded by the Koch Brothers.”

“I have ruled with fear and with fire from time immemorial,” continued Smaug, “forged in the flames of ages long forgotten. I have seen more than you could ever imagine. And I can confidently say original entertainment programming today is better than ever before.”

“What do you want?” cried Larry.

“PATIENCE,” thundered Smaug. “I require all that stand before me to pay homage to a brief recital of sponsored content, and then I shall speak what I have come to speak.”

“Peace,” said Gandalf, putting an hand on Larry’s arm. “He will talk for 20 minutes before he does anything. We can only wait.” Having said that, he pulled out his Samsung Galaxy S6 and started checking his messages.

Smaug continued on, talking about faster internet and the benefits of an integrated connected home using Xfinity internet, television, and security. He then talked about how the political class today was beholden to special interests and stifled job creators, and asked if it wouldn’t be better if government would just get out of the way?

At some point, Larry stopped listening too and started playing some generic hangman iPhone game with Captain Jack Sparrow.

Eventually Larry became aware of the sound of Smaug clearing his throat loudly, shaking the earth.

“The end has come,” the dragon roared. “It is time for all that you put your hope in to be consumed in flame and ash.”

“I completely lost track of time,” moaned Gandalf, as the dragon rose into the air.

“Who’s that on his back?” asked Larry.

Indeed, there was a small human figure standing on Smaug’s back. It was John Cusack. He reached down and picked up Soundwave, who was in boombox form, and held him above his head. Soundwave started blasting Radioactive by Imagine Dragons as Smaug reared back and let loose a searing jet of flame that consumed what was left of the White House.

“No!” cried Larry.

Smaug circled lazily around and dove in again, streams of fire pouring from his massive maw as those on the ground scattered in dismay.

Whoa, oh, ohWhoa, oh, ohWhoa, oh, ohWhoa

I’m waking up to ash and dustI wipe my brow and I sweat my rustI’m breathing in the chemicals

Ironically, the actual band Imagine Dragons was dead on the lawn nearby. They had shown up to try to help in the fight, but had died pretty quickly because they were just a bunch of musicians. They had tagged along because they saw other musicians going but they didn’t know karate like Elvis and didn’t have superspeed like Taylor Swift. It’s possible they thought they were just going to a music festival.

“This cannot be,” said Professor X in shock. “I refuse to believe my eyes.”

“The White House destroyed? It’s happened before,” said Rappin’ Alexander Hamilton. “Back in the year one-eight-one-four.”

“Thank you,” said Professor X coldly.

Larry said nothing. He stood there numbly, staring into the sky, watching the dragon swoop and dive among the impossibly high flames that consumed the once-proud symbol of American executive power. Atop the dragon’s shoulders, John Cusack stood, still and impassive like an unbowed dark Atlas, holding the Transformer boombox high above his head.

I’m waking up, I feel it in my bonesEnough to make my system blowWelcome to the new age, to the new ageWelcome to the new age, to the new ageWhoa, oh, oh, oh, oh, whoa, oh, oh, oh, I’m radioactive, radioactiveWhoa, oh, oh, oh, oh, whoa, oh, oh, oh, I’m radioactive, radioactive

The Constitution was lost. The White House, destroyed. Half the forces of good lay dead on the lawn. Larry could confidently say this was one of the worst days of his life.

And then John Cusack reached over and turned up the volume.

I raise my flag and dye my clothesIt’s a revolution, I supposeWe’re painted red to fit right inWhoa

I’m breaking in, shaping up, then checking out on the prison busThis is it, the apocalypseWhoa

I’m waking up, I feel it in my bonesEnough to make my system blowWelcome to the new age, to the new ageWelcome to the new age, to the new ageWhoa, oh, oh, oh, oh, whoa, oh, oh, oh, I’m radioactive, radioactiveWhoa, oh, oh, oh, oh, whoa, oh, oh, oh, I’m radioactive, radioactive

To Be Continued…