Jack Ryan returned home from a long day of patriotically saving the country to find his no good twin half-brother Ryan Jack waiting for him. He'd been staying with them for the last two weeks and Jack (Jack Ryan) felt it was well past time for him to leave.
"Where's my wife?" asked Jack. "Meg or whatever her name is."
"I told her she could take the night off," said Ryan. "I said I'd handle dinner."
"Oh, okay," said Jack with some trepidation. "What's for dinner, then?"
"Nothing, I forgot," said Ryan.
"This is the last straw!" snapped Jack. "You've been doing nothing for the last two weeks except jerking off all day and eating all our food. And now you've kicked out my wife and you didn't even make dinner!"
"And what do you do?" asked Ryan mockingly. "Go out there and beat up foreigners?"
"I beat up foreigners for America," said Jack. "And for every man, woman, and child in it. That even includes you, Ryan. So you're welcome!"
"America sucks," said Ryan.
Jack took a deep breath. He knew Ryan was just trying to get to him. He wasn't going to let that happen. "It does not!" he shouted back, his voice cracking. He had let it happen. "You don't know how hard it is to go out there every day and get my hands dirty beating people to a pulp, many of them innocent. I do it to protect soft, weak people like you, and my wife, and my children if I have any, from having to face the harsh and dirty truths of this world. You wouldn't last a day out there."
"Oh yeah?" said Ryan. "Well, maybe you don't know how hard it is to jerk off all day. You'd break down the first time you started chafing."
"I bet I wouldn't, because I have a little something called grit," said Jack.
"All talk!" sneered Ryan.
"Let's settle it then," said Jack. "Tomorrow you go to work and try to do my job at the CIA, and I'll stay home and jerk off all day."
"You'll quit before noon!" they shouted at each other. And then, "You're on!"
The next day, Ryan Jack called an Uber and went to the CIA office. As soon as he stepped inside, the CIA boss ran up to him. "Jack Ryan!" he said. "We've got an urgent problem! Quickly, to the situation room!"
As they walked to the situation room, the CIA boss said, "Did you get a haircut?"
"No," said Ryan.
They soon arrived at the situation room. Nobody else was there. "We've got word that terrorists are planning to set off a bomb somewhere in America."
"That sucks," said Ryan.
"Well, we need to stop them," said the CIA boss.
"Good luck," said Ryan.
"I was thinking that you could stop them," said the CIA boss.
"Eh, we'll see, I kind of had some stuff planned for today."
"Good old Jack Ryan," said the CIA boss, patting him on the back. "Always joking. Anyway, I've secured a top secret flight for you out to the Cayman Islands, where the terrorists are."
"Ooh, the Caribbean," said Ryan. "Now we're talking."
Five hours later he was on a Cayman Island, the first one I guess. He wondered how he was supposed to find the terrorists, but he didn't have to wonder long because a foreign-looking man jumped out in front of him and pointed a gun at him.
"We know who you are, Jack Ryan," he said, in foreign. "Come along quietly or we'll shoot you in the nuts."
Ryan Jack screamed a little and peed his pants. "Okay," he said.
"Are you sure he's really Jack Ryan?" said another foreigner when they had all gotten in the car.
"He looks exactly like Jack Ryan," said the first foreigner. "Who else could he be?"
"Are you going to kill me?" asked Ryan. "Look I have a laptop in my bag. It has all the state secrets on it. If I log into that for you can you let me go?"
"Hm," said the foreign terrorist, "that's a pretty sweet deal. I'll think about-"
Suddenly the self-driving car determined that the building ahead was a green light and accelerated into it. All the terrorists were thrown around violently like ragdolls, sustaining mortal injuries, due to not wearing their seatbelts. Ryan was also not wearing a seatbelt but as a prisoner they had tied him up to the seat really securely.
The local police eventually found him and untied him and he returned home to a hero's welcome at the CIA office. It was already 3pm so he decided to call it quits for the day and went back home, where Jack Ryan was still furiously jerking off to a WWII documentary.
"Well, how'd you screw up?" he asked as he saw Ryan enter the room.
"Not at all," said Ryan Jack. "I killed a whole terrorist cell. They gave me 10 medals. The CIA I mean. The terrorists were dead. How about you? How many times did you finish?"
Jack hung his head. "Zero."
"So I think it's finally settled who has the harder job," said Ryan.
"You're right," said Jack. "Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my job that I forget about all the hard-working Americans jerking off every day, some of them to my very own exploits. It's good to have a reminder." He laughed ruefully. "So time to switch back?"
Behind him, Ryan's face grew suddenly grim. Jack Ryan didn't see his half-brother skillfully place his hands on his head and snap his neck.
"I'll be keeping your job, Jack," he said. "It sucks, but it pays a lot better."
Just then, Jack Ryan's wife, probably not named Meg, returned. "Oh my God!" she exclaimed, looking at the half naked dead body.
"Ryan died jerking off," said Ryan Jack, impersonating Jack Ryan.
Meg wiped a tear from her eye. "That's how he would have wanted it."
Ryan regarded the body with a sudden feeling of regret and loss as a looming future of hard-nosed and morally dubious black ops work flashed before him. "Yes," he said sadly. "Perhaps he would have."